Conservapedia Bible

Here are some of Salon‘s suggested changes to scriptures for the new Conservapedia Bible:

John 8:3-7: The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Jesus bent down and picked up a rock. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “OK, we start on the count of three. And if I see any of you throwing like limp-wristed sissies, you’re next.”

Matthew 9:10-13: While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’  For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “Tax collectors? I had no idea, and wouldn’t have eaten with them if I had known, for I favor a flat tax.”

Here are some of the actual revisions submitted for the Conservapedia project (italics added for clarity):

Mark 10: 23-25: It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man a man who cares only for money to enter into the kingdom of God.

Mark 3:6: The Pharisees Liberals then fled from the scene to plot with Herod’s people against Jesus, and plan how they might destroy him.

~ by lolarusa on October 8, 2009.

3 Responses to “Conservapedia Bible”

  1. The circularity of the logic is absolutely hilarious, its probably the most ironically funny thing I’ve ever heard.

    1 – tell people to obey bible
    2 – people do things you don’t like
    3 – look in bible to see if it is forbidden
    4 – if yes return to 1
    5 – if no rewrite bible and return to 3

  2. I’m sorry, Jake, but pointing out hilarity is forbidden in
    #5 dash 3.

  3. Actually, the Catholic conservatives have a different rewrite of John 8:3-7: … “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Then, a woman in the crown stood boldly forward and threw a stone hard, hitting the accused woman square on the jaw. Jesus looked, annoyed, at the woman who threw the first stone and said, “Mom, sometimes you really piss me off!” KIDDING! Actually, my devout Catholic mother repeated this joke when aged ~75

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